I was born into a family that did not know how to cope with their pain.
My father was an abusive alcoholic. We got relief when he would work out of town.
When he was home, we all walked on eggshells.
We didn’t know when the explosion might occur.
I don’t remember when the sexual abuse started. I know it was pre-verbal.
I carry memories of being a baby and being in pain and feeling very alone.
I am certain my brother was also abused.
How else would he know to abuse me,
especially at such a young age.
when my mom and I left the 2 of them behind, I was six.
We were reunited when I was 12. The abuse started again.
When I got my period, I said, you have to stop I could get pregnant.
It stopped.
I then felt guilty that I didn’t make it stop sooner.
I took on the blame that was not mine.
In between my mom and I lived with other families.
One situation was a man, living on his own.
He also abused me and abused one of my friends.
I was 9 years old and carried that guilt for many years.
I was also angry with my body for responding.
I ended up marrying an abuser because it was what I knew.
There was some violence and I was not allowed to say no to sex.
It was a game to him, one I hated.
I finally left and started to take my life back.
I did some group work and personal work to finally realize it was never my fault, my body was on reacting to the stimulus, I am not flawed, and I am lovable.
Today I help others. So please if you are in pain, there is help out there for you.