The Down Fall
I wipe it off on a tile, the light is brighter this time
Everything is turning blasphemy
My eyes are red and gold, the hair is standing straight up
This is not the way I picture me
I can’t control my shakes, how the hell did I get here?
Something about this, so very wrong
I have to laugh out loud, I wish I didn’t like this
Is it a dream or a memory?
I’ve felt the hate rise up in me
Kneel down and clear the stone of leaves
I wander out where you can’t see
Inside my shell, I wait and bleed—-Slipknot
Throughout the summer I was constantly being controlled by Mike. I didn’t want to admit it to myself, but deep, deep down I knew what was happening wasn’t normal. I continued to let him buy me things, like a pop at the gas station here and there, but soon it got to be things like parts for my skateboard, and video games. These were bigger gifts he would bring me randomly throughout the summer. I was very thankful for them and I always remember whenever he gave me a new gift, he told me I owed him for that. He began to tell me “This will just be added to your never-ending debt to me”. I would always laugh that off, but soon this would come back to haunt me.
Throughout the summer I was slowly getting broken down by this master of my mind. Anything that I did that disobeyed what he wanted he made me know it was wrong. It became so much that all I could do was start to deny everything that I wanted and just start living for him.
Once my first year in high school started Kelly, the girl that I had been going out with for about four or so months asked me if I was okay because I wasn’t acting normal. I shrugged it off and told her not to worry about it, I told her I was just having a bad day. The thing is, I wasn’t okay, and I was having a great day that’s why I wondered why I was acting so blah.
I received a text message in my sixth hour that day from Mike saying he would pick me up after school, and that I didn’t have to ride the bus. I got out of school that day and he wasn’t happy with me. I tried asking him what was wrong, but he refused to talk to me. I immediately felt like I was the scum of the Earth. I got home and tried talking to him and he began to scream. “I texted you and you never texted me back! How was I supposed to know that you were really going to come home with me instead of ditching me for your friends like you always do?” I thought this was the stupidest reason to be mad at a kid half your age, but I couldn’t show it or all hell would break loose. “Do you understand what I am saying?” He continued even more furious than before because I was trying to space out and just take it.
“Well f**k this I don’t have time to sit here and see you pout like a little pussy. Can I get an apology?” I didn’t want to apologize for something so ridiculous, but I didn’t want to create more drama either.
The emotional abuse was starting to take a toll on me. I believed that I was good for nothing. I thought that everything I did was to try and please Mike, and if I didn’t please him then I had failed. Failing was a very common thing for me in that time of my life. I didn’t have any joy in life other than my girlfriend and longboarding with Eric on lonely days. Having absolutely no joy in your life is hard for somebody that hates to talk about their feelings. I just so happened to be one of those people. I hated to put myself first and talk about myself, I always wanted to help out somebody else and make sure they were happy before I was.
I started to listen to harsher music as the abuse grew. I believe my parents noticed this swift change in the type of music that I listened to, but the first thing they are going to think is not that it was trying to reflect my mood. Emo, Screamo, Deathcore, Hard Metal, and Punk Rock were some of the genres I listened to now. I loved the depressing and pissed off lyrics all these bands had. I realized that they were the ones that actually understood how I was feeling at the time. During school it was the most stressful because I had to try and balance the happiness of Mike and balance my grades. While I was studying for a big test coming up, I was worrying about how Mike would react when he saw that I wasn’t hanging out with him and being “selfish.” When I was hanging out with Mike, I was only worrying about how bad I was going to get yelled at for my shitty grades I had been getting.
There was one day Mike came home shortly after I came home from school, and I remember that I was so happy to have aced my test in history. I was about to open my mouth and tell him about it until he yelled to me to come up stairs, he has to ask me something. I went upstairs and he was in a good mood which was rare for this guy. Mike just wasn’t a happy person. When he was happy you could tell it was fake. “Would you like to go to the mall with me? I have to pick up some stuff at the world market for my mom.” Mike was always sending stuff back to his mom in Germany, which I never understood.
“No dude sorry I am just gonna relax tonight and get some extra sleep. It’s like my only night I don’t have homework and I’m going to enjoy it.”
“You’re kidding right? My mom has been looking forward to this package for quite a long time and you’re going to postpone it because you’re a little tired? Well I hope you don’t wake up once you fall asleep. Rot in hell Kyle.” And that’s exactly what I felt like doing. I thought to myself maybe dying is my only way out of this. I couldn’t feel emotion anymore. I couldn’t remember the last time I felt happy, sad, excited, or anything! I just went with the flow of life, and where ever that took my I was content with it.
I heard Mike pull out of our driveway, and I soon found myself making my way to the bathroom. I popped my iPod into the stereo so that nobody could hear what was happening within the walls. I turned on the shower and stripped all the way down to nothing. It seemed like the perfect way to ending this story. I was sick of reading about all of the happy endings in books. I knew they were fiction for a reason, and I came to think that nobody really has a happy ending.
I slid open one of the drawers in the bathroom and popped off the cover of my “Exacto Knife” I used to cut wood with in Science Olympiad. I leaned over the sink and watched the blade slide smoothly across the bottom of my wrist. A trail of blood appeared behind the knife, this brought a smile to my face. I ran over the same cut over and over until it was so deep that I was scared maybe for a second, I would bleed out and nobody would be able to help, but I didn’t care. After sitting down in the shower with the knife still running over the gash on my wrist, I couldn’t feel any pain at all. The music simply took over my reality. It was peaceful and I felt alive. Soon I was passed out in the shower with only God holding onto my hand.
I remember waking up in the shower scared because the shower was cold, and I saw the blade next to me. I looked at my wrist and the stained trail of blood on the floor of the shower. I stood up fast and rubbed the floor of the shower with my foot to make the blood disappear and noticed that my wrist had stopped bleeding. I dried myself off and got dressed, hoping no body was outside the bathroom. I had been passed out in the shower for a little more than a half an hour and I was lucky it was no longer, or my parents would have found out about my incident. I was so scared that my parents would find out and get mad at me that I tried making up reasons why the gash in my wrist was there. I came up with reasons like, I fell into a rosebush, a kid at school with scissors slashed me, but none of them were too believable. I wanted to remember this day because this was the day, I realized I was still a somebody. I was still alive and so I ran upstairs and grabbed the salt. I poured a bunch of salt in a cup and drizzled it all over the valley in my arm. After It didn’t sting anymore, I rubbed it in until it was unbearable. I wanted this to scar so I would always remember my story.
My girlfriend saw the gashes and the scars develop on my wrists over time and began to question me like my parents did, but she didn’t believe me. She told me I have to stop doing whatever I was doing to get these cuts or someday I would end up dead. Death was my closest friend. It was all I thought about for about four months straight. It consumed me. How nice it would be to die and end all of this pain. My parents always told me I do too much for others and not enough for me. Well this was when I thought that I would kill myself and do something for me for once. I knew it would destroy the ones who loved me, but this was what I wanted. I even prepared a suicide note so that my parents would understand that this was what I wanted.
My family, if you still want to be called my family. I know that I have pretty much been the disappointment of the family, and I wish I could say I’m sorry, but I don’t think it would be able to explain how sorry I actually am. I screwed our whole family up. From what Mike did to this family, getting myself and Eric into drug abuse, and everything. I know I did. You don’t need to try and convince your selves that if wasn’t my fault because I know it is. I have always been the problem child.
Eric: Getting you into this was the worse thing I have ever imagined. Don’t get me wrong dude the summer of 2011 I will never forget because I have never felt so apart of the family then with you. You and I had the best of times chilling at home with music blaring on the computer. Dude please for me stop doing everything we have been up to. You have seen what it has done to the family and what it has done to me. Don’t worry about me. You can have anything of mine that you want. Anything in my room, I don’t mind. Just be happy again…I miss happy Eric. And I’m sure everyone else does, too. Look after mom, dad, and Matthew. It’s now your role, not mine. Write to me because I will be listening. Another thing, I don’t cry much but I wanted to tell you I wish I could cry as much as you. I am bawling my eyes out and I can’t catch my breath right now. I wish you could see, you would be proud of me. Don’t be afraid to cry like I have always been.
Matthew: You probably think I’m a f**king loser with where I am right now and to be honest, I feel like it. This past summer was honestly my favorite summer with you. Right when I get to know you and have it made, I f**k up. Just do what you’re doing, you’re the older brother I have always wanted, and I wish we were just as close our whole lives. My life is over now. I wish I could have told everyone this face to face but I can’t because I am ashamed of my life.
Dad: I’m not the son you have always wanted, I won’t be able to show everyone what my dreams are anymore being a mortician and all. You and mom were the ones who told me to make goals that are hard to accomplish, and they will feel that much better once you accomplish them. I had some goals for me, but I hated making goals for me. I had goals to show you guys I was the happiest kid alive even if it meant putting on a fake smile. I honestly think I am a psychopath just like Mike. I belong where I have ended up. We don’t need people like me on this planet. I am sorry I can’t succeed like you always wanted me to. Parenting me hasn’t been such a waste. I just ended up making it go to waste.
Mom: You were always the one I felt I could talk to. Thank you for that! I don’t have too much more to say other than I’m sorry for all the pain I put everyone through. This family is too good to me, clearly, I didn’t deserve you. I love all the books you have bought me that let me escape from this hell hole we call Earth. Every day I wake up and look outside with my coffee in my hands and wonder… why did a shitty kid like me get it so good? Cause it was a mistake. I have problems and lots of them. You guys have helped me out as much as a family could. It’s up to the will of God now which I am sorry to say I don’t have too much trust in right now. But he is a good friend to talk to every so often. I’m not writing this to make you feel sorry for me or make it seem like it’s your fault I am writing this because I don’t want your last memories of me to be me laying there pale as can be on the blood-stained floor. I want it to be me smiling saying its ok. Maybe even giving you a soft and supple on the cheek. My story doesn’t have a happy ending like the trash I read about. That’s why I love to read because there is always a happy ending, something I simply could never achieve.
Kelly: I love you so much but I’m such a bad influence on you. I have disappointed you just as your father did. I am no better a man than him. Remember how I am always right? Well forget about me and move on. There are plenty of guys that are able to treat and spoil you more than I could ever. You stuck by me for far too long please do me a favor and give up on me like mostly everybody else has. You will always remain a part of me.
Peace. Love, Unity, and Respect to all Love always,
Your son, your friend. and your loving brother that couldn’t make the cut.
Kyle Steven Meyer
I was close to killing myself that day. I stabbed my wrists until I couldn’t take it anymore and I even tried to take tons of pills. For some reason God did not want me to die that day. I hated myself for months and I didn’t want to be alive. I turned to ripping up my wrists for the solution. This got me nowhere but sadly was the only time in my life I felt happy or like t was doing anything for myself. When it came to the abuse, this was only the beginning of a well thought out scheme of terror.