Many of you know me, or at least know of me, but I assume some of you might not, or perhaps you haven’t actually heard my story. I attended an abusive program called Casa by the Sea when I was 15 years old.

My crimes were skipping school and shoplifting, my punishment was Isolation, beatings and solitary confinement. When I acted out, I was made to sit cross-legged facing a wall for 14-16 hours a day, sometimes for a week or more, and when I refused I had my shoulder dislocated, and my face smashed into a concrete floor by three grown men. I was underfed, and had food withheld from me as a form of punishment. I lost nearly 50 pounds. I was forced into group showers every day while watched by adult staff. I was strip searched and had my head forcibly shaved. I was given strange medications without being told what they were. I was completely cut off from the outside world, even my family. I was not allowed to speak without express permission for an entire year. 

I endured mandatory attendance of brainwashing cult-like seminars, where girls were forced to blame themselves for, and reenact, their own rapes. Where I was forced to dress up in women’s clothes and dance in front of my peers. Where I was forced to act out condemning myself and my peers to death. Where I was forced to participate in the abuse of other children.

I was told multiple times every day that this program was saving my life.

I know people who were raped, forced to eat their own vomit, made to sleep in dog cages or were forced to literally run themselves to death in wilderness programs.

I’ve lost countless peers in the years since to drug overdoses and suicide, as they tried desperately to escape the emotional damage caused by these places.

I have personally struggled with trust and abandonment issues, leading to a long string of failed and toxic relationships. Complex post-traumatic stress disorder featuring long-term recurring nightmares that lasted for nearly seven years. Binge eating disorder, causing massive swings in weight gain and loss. Depression and anxiety, particularly passive aggressive personality disorder and one hell of a hero complex.

I’ve been speaking out about this for over 10 years, few believe me and even fewer know how to respond, so they just don’t. It’s ignored. At first even my own parents thought I was exaggerating or seeking attention. That I was only saying these things to hurt them. Which is exactly what the program told me would happen. I was told that I was just a “bad kid” and that everyone would see me as a liar and a manipulator. 

So, for six years after the program, after having been shut down whenever I tried to talk about it, and told to “move on,” I tried to do just that. 

It isn’t easy to admit that I was abused as a child. Especially not as a man in today’s society. I carry with me a great weight of shame and embarrassment and when people tell me that I’m just looking for attention, wallowing or lying, it’s like ripping open these old wounds every single time. 

I have nothing to gain personally by talking about this, it doesn’t bring me any satisfaction and it alienates my family. If I don’t speak out as someone who was there and saw it firsthand, then who will? I don’t want anyone’s pity, attention, vote, or money. I just want you to hear me, to believe me and when you’re comfortable, if you are comfortable, I’d like to offer you an ear of validation for your story in return.