President / Co-Founder of HPF Rhett Hackett
It was very early on when the path of my life was decided and probably earlier then the typical child. At the time, I really had no idea how the paths of life can change and change so quickly. It was my 4th grade year of elementary school and I was very excited to have the teacher that I was going to have for the year. My brother that was 3 years older then I had the same teacher for his 4th grade year. I will call him Mr. A. That’s right – Mister! For me it was the first time that I realized that a man could be a teacher. I had a great relationship with Mr. A and during the course of the year, from time to time; he would allow me to grade some papers or assist him in the classroom with a variety of tasks. Whenever he wanted a volunteer for something I was sure to raise my hand. It didn’t take long for me to realize that when I was to become an adult I wanted to be a teacher! For me, it was one of those things that I just knew for certain and it wasn’t long after that I decided I wanted to teach at the elementary level for special education. As sure as I was about what I wanted to do when I grew up is how much I was unaware of how one’s path in life could change and quickly at that.
I was a typical kid that was growing up in the 70’s at the Jersey Shore in the typical home life set up of mom, dad, brother and myself. It was a very small town in which everyone pretty much knew each other and it was customary at the time to never have a locked door on your house. It was a time period where you went outside to play, and you didn’t come back until it was time to eat dinner.
Just 3 years after making my decision of wanting to be a teacher my life would change forever. It was at the age of 12 when I was sexually abused by a trusted neighbor. The horrific acts that took place would ravage my body and claim my innocence, purity, and the loss of childhood. What would remain, that I would carry right into my adult life would be a fragile young man. Even though what you would see was an exterior that portrayed that everything was ok. That’s because this was a customized abuse. Complete with grooming and a tailored made plan that would make me feel like a willing participant that would only get into trouble if I ever spoke up. It would last for a period of 5 years when at the age of 17 I put a stop to it by saying I could not do it any longer.
It wasn’t until I was 21 that I would tell my girlfriend, (who became my wife), what had happened to me. I was under the misconception that in doing so, I was healed from this level of abuse, but never really knew that it was abuse or that I had nothing to do with what happened to me. It was something that I just didn’t want to speak of again and that would only lead to it sitting inside of me. My defense mechanism was that I would just simply lead the perfect life and a home, career, and two children later, that is exactly what I did. It was the same thing that I did in high school and it worked then. All I had to do was excel at everything I did and nobody would ever see a flaw. The only problem is that life gets complicated, and paths change. For 24 years I had maneuvered in this manner and the bottom gave out in 2005 and it was then that I decided that I need to seek professional help so that I could move past this and live freely!
After 5 years of therapy, and countless number of times I felt like I moved beyond my childhood, it would rear its ugly head again. After putting my story in a book format, the reality of it all scared me to the point where I couldn’t even recognize who I was and wanted out of my life, marriage, etc. I knew I had to do something and remembered an organization that had group weekends of recovery, Malesurvivor.org. Everything that I had done up until that moment was in preparation for what was about to happen. In May of 2010 I attended their Weekend Of Recovery and it turned my life around. For the first time I was witnessing and hearing all the thoughts that had been in me for nearly 30 years and the amazing power of knowing that you are not alone. I could see the shattered look in the other men’s eyes, and it was one that I had seen in myself, but also in others that I could not place my finger on. Regardless, I came out of that weekend for the first time really knowing that what happened to me was not my fault. With that came a drive to want to speak out knowing how many men and women suffer from the ugly and destructive affects child sexual abuse has on the victim and their families and being able to relate to that having gone through my own valiant battle.
The opportunity to speak out would come 5 months later and on November 5, 2010, an episode of from the Oprah Winfrey Show aired on national television. She did a special called “200 Men Sexually Abused” with Tyler Perry and I was one of the men profiled on the show. It would be the first time that I publicly spoke of my abuse, and would also give details of what happened. It was the best thing I could have ever done, my life has never been the same, and what happened afterwards was phenomenal.
I knew with going public my intent was to at least help one person. If that happened, I knew that it would have been worth it. My one person came before the show even aired and that person ended up being my father-in-law. He never told anyone but because I was going to say it on national television he figured he could tell us his story. That was just the beginning of the testimonies I would receive, and the opportunities that were provided to me, to continue telling my story and reaching not just out to others, but “into” others. Those opportunities consisted of newspapers, radio, television, and public speaking events, providing testimony in the New Jersey Senate, and even participating in a play in New York City!
What I have discovered having gone through all of this is an amazing gift! It is the gift of being able to communicate to others my story, and reach them in a place that allows them to see me as a reflection of their life and for them to feel free to tell their story. I have a gift to be able to speak to people from different backgrounds, ages, and educational levels and provide a vision of hope through demonstration and move them in a way towards a more positive life – what a gift! I made a commitment after doing the Oprah Show that I was going to remain visible so that people could see that after telling my story I was okay. When I think back to when those horrific events were taking place, to being on national TV telling my story, to typing these words right now, that is what defines a miracle to me, brought on by my own personal strength, and the grace of God!
For so long, I was fighting for some sort of life that would feel normal to me, that would feel right because of how I thought it should have been, instead of living the life that I was created for. I gained the appreciation for the fact that my design is truly unique that at one moment I didn’t exist and through the miracle of life, a signature “piece” evolved that would never be replicated! Along with the understanding that I am responsible for my life and how I live it. The ability to be decisive, to move forward and not look back with regret has allowed me to develop what I call the gratitude attitude! Everyday I am able to wake up and say, “Thank you, I get to do another day again!” I have had some amazing people come into my life, starting with the love of my life, my wife of 22 years, and my children! Countless family members and friends that have embraced me along the way through my journey!
I am often asked where I am at today and what are my goals or what am I doing? The lead facilitator at my weekend of recovery, Dr. Howard Fradkin was also the doctor that was on the Oprah Show. He decided to write a book “Joining Forces Empowering Male Survivors to Thrive ” and both my wife and I had the wonderful experience of being able to be writers and contribute to the book and tell our story. It was another part of that commitment and the ability to help others and I want to continue to do just that.
When I break it down, there are really two groups, those that have been sexually abused that need to heal, and those that have not and need to be protected. For those that need to heal, I want to get to a place where there are enough resources for victims and families. I want those resources to be affordable, easily accessible. If you have ever had the opportunity to look up resources on the web that are there in your home state, you’ll see how very fragmented and confusing they really are! We need to get to a better place with all of that because when you are in the middle of trying to just live through that, it is very hard to figure it all out. That is why I want to experience, endorse, and educate on matters, products, and anything that is going to make a person feel good!
As for the term “sexual abuse”, well it typically doesn’t stand on its own. It’s hidden behind “child abuse”, “sexual assault” and not called for what it really is Child Sexual Abuse which is abuse, inflicted on a child, through the use of pictures or behavior that are of a sexual nature. I want to change that! What makes this so challenging is that because there are no pictures or marks, like you see with physical abuse, it is very easy to dismiss it. If we can’t see it, then it must not be there is the wrong way of thinking so we need to keep it at the surface, and make it visible through our stories and communications.
That leads me to one of the greatest challenges and that is protecting children. I say greatest because of the inability to accept that this type of abuse exists in our communities at a rate of about 20% of children being sexually abused. That’s worse then the 1 in 6 children in this country that are obese, yet we changed the whole structure of their school lunch program with the assistance of the federal government. With the topic of child sexual abuse, some schools don’t want to have this discussed in there for fear that someone will get offended because of the topic.
My goal is to give children the skills and tools they need, coupled with championing and making them feel good about themselves. That is the ultimate protection because when we assign value to ourselves, we protect what we feel is valuable and oneself should be at the top of the list! This will only be achieved through educating students, parents and teachers! I want to get involved in identifying areas where children are most vulnerable in moments of crisis, change or disruption. Getting involved with the military is a great example because the rotation of housing and where the family is relocated presents having new neighbors, and adults that will be in contact with those children. It is not an expense; it is an investment in what is the greatest natural resource, our children.
My motivation to do just that comes from finally understanding the shattered look and where I had seen it before. It is the same look that a parent has when they have lost a child. It is not to say that the feelings are the same, but what happens with child sexual abuse is really the loss of a child, that inner child that lies inside of us all. As a survivor of sexual abuse, you become your own parent, carrying the burden of a child lost. It took me nearly three decades to get to a better place with all of it and I am not the most patient person.
If there is ever a reward in all of this it is having another in man that is a survivor, come around right in front of you and hearing them say the magic words “I now know it wasn’t my fault”. It is hearing a female tell me that I saved their life because I gave them hope in hearing my story, and gave them a chance to start a new life and to look at themselves in a better way! It motivates me to say that I am here right now, to tell my story. I did it, I continue to do it, and I lived past it which is why I want to not only be heard but understood and I want others to be able to do the same.
Sometimes there are those days when my impatience gets the better of me in all of this, whether it is trying to get a law changed, or securing a speaking event and the challenge seems so great. I have those moments when I am saying “I can’t do this anymore, I just can’t do it, this is too hard, people don’t want to listen . . .” And then I think about some poor guy that is not far along in what happened to him as a child and perhaps he is ready to take his life. I think of a child that is out there somewhere. I can see them trembling in their bed wondering if what happened to them the night before, is going to happen to them again? I can feel their thoughts, that what is happening to them is because of something they did, that they are worthless, they made it happen and I think of their big sad eyes, and the life that they will lead but don’t have to.
That is why I get up everyday with the joy of knowing that my path changed in a way that allows me to help others and to be a teacher of a different sort. It is this that motivates me in ways that can’t be measured and a gift that I give of myself, that does in fact come back to me. I believe that what we put out is what we get back and if we are lucky, we get reminded of that from time to time so that we know what our true gifts are and what we are supposed to be doing in this world. My birthday just passed and in a Hallmark card given to me from my son were the words that seemed to sum it up; “Just the right mix of down-to-earth and save-the-world . . .that’s you, my everyday hero. My amazing dad.”
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