No amount of words will ever express my utter disgust at that fact that you’re still alive,
At the fact that you still breathe.
If I had one chance to do anything I could to you, I’d watch you suffer as you beg for help.
You don’t deserve to live the rest of your life as you are, you are worthless,
A f**king cheap cigar.
Everything that you ever loved will be taken away,
The moment you shut your eyes, of all the things you’ve ever done,
The worst was in the past few months, it’s hard to keep from getting burned,
When love is like fire.—Motionless in White
As I tried to cope with the emotional abuse it started to become my “normal feeling “. Feeling lower than dirt and like I was good for nothing than serving Mike was a content feeling for me. I forgot what it was like to feel happy or excited for anything. I would get home and only live for Mike. I would wait for him to ask me to go somewhere or do something for him, and if I refused then he would play the guilt trip on me. Our talks before we went to bed each night were beginning to be more personal with the questions, he asked me. About my life, my girlfriend, any hot girls at school and what not. I thought this was normal until one night he asked me a weird question.
“Hey, can I ask you something that may seem weird at first but will come to your benefit in the end?” Mike seemed like he already had a plan on what was going to happen.
“Yeah, go for it dude. I don’t care.” I said slightly above a whisper so I wouldn’t wake anyone in the house up.
“Do you know if you can make babies yet?” There was a long silence in between the question and my answer because I didn’t know yet what he was asking.
“I have no idea, why?” I chuckled and laughed louder than I intended to.
“Well do you want to see if you can make babies?” Mike seemed annoyed with me because I was laughing about it.
“Sure, I guess.” I didn’t know what I was getting myself into at this point.
Actually, I think I did but I didn’t want to believe what I thought was going to happen. Immediately I started to break out into a nervous sweat. Mike got out of his bed and made his way over to my bed. He was kneeling near my bedside and I could feel his breath on my face he was so close.
He slipped his hands under my blanket and his hands swept down my pants and under my boxers. I quickly grabbed his hand.
“Kyle, do you trust me? You know I wouldn’t hurt you. Plus, you owe me this.” In the back of my head I honestly thought to myself that I did in fact owe him this. So, I slowly let up off his hand and he made his way down. I remember it was shockingly cold at first, and I was confused at what he was trying to do to my privates because I have never seen or heard of such a thing. My conscience was telling me what I was letting him do was beyond terrible. STOP! STOP! The silence was screaming, and nobody could hear it. I was frozen. I didn’t know what to do. I wanted him to stop but I physically couldn’t move. Suddenly I got very scared.
“Well would you look at that, you can make babies. This is great dude! I’ll be right back.” Mike got up and went to the bathroom. When Mike came back into the room, he looked very satisfied. He asked me how I felt now that I know that I can make babies.
“I don’t know.” I answered still puzzled. “How am I supposed to feel?”
“Well you should feel great. You have hit puberty. With that aside what else would you like to talk about?” Mike continued
”I’m pretty tired right now can we pick up tomorrow night?” I was out of breath physically and emotionally from the day.
“I guess. See you tomorrow morning bud”
Every night we would talk about something different, Mike would always conclude with the usual hand down the pants. I was always drained after that. It happened every night, and whenever I told him no, I was too tired, I would wake up in the middle of the night with his hands down my pants.
“Mike, it’s two o’clock in the morning, can’t it wait until tomorrow?” I was desperate for some sleep.
“Just ignore me bud. Go to sleep” Mike never listened to me and would proceed with what he was doing.
At school I was drained and couldn’t stay awake because I was constantly woken up in the middle of the night to Mike’s hands in my pants. It was really annoying, and I hated it, but I would always think that I did owe him that for all he did for me. My grades showed that I wasn’t getting enough sleep, but I didn’t care about grades at the time, I just wanted to get through each day.
One night I woke up on my stomach. I swung over to get more comfortable and was face-to-face with Mike, and I noticed that my pants were all the way off because my butt rubbed against my flannel sheets.
“Dude what the hell? What are you doing?”
I was mad this lime, and I made it known. “I was just trying something Kyle. You don’t have to be a bitch about it you f**king pansy.” Mike grabbed me and flung me back on my stomach. “Let me finish up what I was doing, and you can sleep all you want.
I didn’t say anything at all because I wanted to sleep so bad that I would do literally anything for it. I was laying on my stomach looking at my clock which read 4:33AM. It didn’t hurt at first, it was just really uncomfortable. Mike kept pushing and pushing until he got whatever he was trying to get into my butt which later I found out he was actually raping me. After fifteen minutes the ripping and stretching didn’t hurt at all anymore. Every time Mike was done with me, he looked over at me and always said, “Oh stop your crying you pussy, I’m done now, so go the f*’k to bed,” or something like, “You asked for it this time.”
Every night I went to bed I could expect something to happen. Either he would have his hands in my pants before I went to bed, I would wake up with his hands in my pants or, I would wake up to him raping me. If I was really unlucky it would be both. Like I said every night he would do this, but sometimes on the weekend he would tell me he would let me off the hook.
All I was to this so-called brother was a toy. He was just getting his use out of me. During the day he was just as nice and would buy me things, so my family had no idea what was happening once the sun went down, but I was living a whole other life in what felt like a prison cell of a room.
This abuse lasted for two and a half years 365 days of the year. Most of the time it would happen more than once a day. I felt like it had to end someday. It just never had. I wasn’t going to say anything because Mike would threaten to kill himself and I loved him like a brother. I still can’t figure out why I thought he was a part of my family because he wasn’t, and he didn’t treat me like a brother. A brother would do nothing like what he did to me. I wanted to keep the peace in my house, so if this wasn’t happening to anybody else, and everybody else was happy then I thought who cares what I was feeling at that moment. It could only get better. Until the night my mother came down crying to me and asked me a question that forever changed my life.
“Kyle, has Mike ever touched you?” My mom’s face was stained with tears and I will never forget her face. It is tattooed into my brain forever. My mother has bothered me about how Mike treats me before, and I acted like she was just crazy. This time I looked at her and knew something was really wrong. I didn’t say anything, I just looked at her and nodded.
“Eric told me he has touched him before.” This is when I learned that Mike had done the same thing to my little brother. That night I thought I wanted to kill him, but then came to the conclusion that torturing
him would be better. I fantasized different ways to inflict pain onto him, and that night I drowned in terror.